an unreasonable woman

2006-12-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

< picture courtesy of journey to lwala>

Daily Om
December 1, 2006
Wherever You Are
Home Is Where The Heart Is The word “home” has a wide variety of connotations. To some, home is merely a place where basic needs are addressed. To others, home is the foundation from which they draw their strength and tranquility. Still, others view home as a place inexorably linked to family. Yet all these definitions of home imply somewhere we can be ourselves and are totally accepted. There, we feel safe enough to let down our guard, peaceful enough to really relax, and loved enough to want to return day after day. However, these qualities need not be linked to a single space or any space at all. Home is where the heart is and can be the locale you live in, a community you once lived in, or the country where you plan to live someday. Or home can be a feeling you carry inside yourself, wherever you are.

The process of evolution can require you to undergo transformations that uproot you. Moving from place to place can seem to literally divide you from the foundations you have come to depend on. Since your home is so intimately tied to the memories that define you, you may feel that you are losing a vital part of yourself when you leave behind your previous house, city, state, or country. And as it may take some time before you fashion new memories, you may feel homeless even after settling into your new abode. To carry your home with you, you need only become your own foundation. Doing so is merely a matter of staying grounded and centered, and recognizing that the pleasures you enjoyed in one place will still touch your heart in another if you allow them.

Your home can be any space or state of being that fulfills you, provided you are at peace with yourself and your surroundings. A person can feel like home to you, as can seasons and activities. If you feel disconnected from what you once thought of as home, your detachment may be a signal that you are ready to move one. Simply put, you will know you have found your home when both your physical environment and energetic surroundings are in harmony with the individual you are within.

i have often remarked to my friends how much i miss my home. in the five years ive been living in the usa, i have yet to see this place where i rest my head as anything but a transit stop. with the events of this last summer, i am slowly moving to looking at the us.a in a different light. i recognize that i am not in kenya anymore. i dont live in africa anymore. & being here is not a mistake or a kismet error. it is purposeful, on point, and lets face it, i finally have a room of my own.

2006-11-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

until a few months ago, the world of drag kings did not exist in my peripheral of understanding. & so, it was a delightful experience to stumble on the venusboyz dvd one noneventual night at blockbusters. this has forever changed my mind of thinking.

for those who know me personally. i slide between a girly, girl and a tomboy. for many years ive embraced my feminity with gusto and with dazzling speeds especially in the midst of spaces that are non threatening, at least to my mind.

i like to wear my heals as i like to be fucked. i enjoy touching the curve of my neck and the dance my hips sway to the sound of the beat. i like being a woman and i have quite truly felt like i have risen from the ashes.

i also like to wear boxers and men's ties. i am amazed how my hips glide comfortably inside those seemingly shapeless slacks. how i am attentive to the world around me as i reach out and open the doors for the women behind me. i like the stares i get from work. & the curiosity that is evident in the eyes of those like me, perched precariously on the sides of communal siefdom. ' is she gay or straight.'

i am curious as to the assumptions that are overt to many men. i like dare i say it loud, power and confidence that is the glue shared between men. a friend suggests that i pursue femme girls. even with my smuttering akwardness, do i want to participate in a sterotype of butch/femme magnitude? i like what i like, creativity, adventure and a sense of self construction. i like too that i am not stuck in a whirlpool of fear and the what ifs. i dont see myself as (un) feminist. rather not quite fully explored. that is my story and i am sticking to it...

& this is for those in between, you are not alone.

2006-10-31T21:43:00.000-08:00

over the years. ive learnt im no stranger to depression. initially, like anything unpleasant, i've ignored its urging, hypothesized its insignificance and reduced its impact as passing. it has not been easy and quite frankly, not the best way to live. ive done the psycho-analysis and toyed with the idea of anti-depressants. it is two remarkable years that i have not taken any of those pharmaceutical hindrances and even though it does work for many, for me, i am reduced to a blithering fool. i have applauded this achievement with great humbleness and thankfulness to the infintness of the universe. now, that i am living after the surgery, i realize that besides the sores and aches that transverse through my chest, the familiar menance is lurking in the shadows. & for the first time in a long, long time, i am afraid of this thing.

2006-10-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

thanks sokari for the heads up.

“It is being both black and gay [which is problematic].”
Zanele Muholi

Zanele Muholi Only half the picture

29 March - 29 April 2006

Trained at the Market Photo Workshop, Muholi came to national attention in September 2004 with her exhibition Visual Sexuality at the Johannesburg Art Gallery. Her work is without precedent in South Africa, where there are very few instances of black women openly portraying female same-sex practices. As a gender and sexual rights activist, and as a photographer, she confronts the notion that lesbian practices are alien to African cultures, and offers a radical break from stereotypical narratives about black female sexualities. She succeeds in transgressing the taboos surrounding black female same-sex practices because of her intimate relationships in these communities, negotiating the boundaries through trust and respect. Her photographs offer a view from the inside, a personal perspective on the challenges facing black lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people in the townships and other communities.

http://www.michaelstevenson.com/contemporary/exhibitions/muholi/muholi.htm

2006-08-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

"I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell."

-Audre Lorde

coming out of hiding.

i've spent my time since coming back from vacation contemplating the meaning of coming out at such a not so tender age. several days ago, i began the process of stepping out and claiming my space as a queer, lesbian. gender fluid, once was a mohawk wearer chic. it doesn't feel strange to hear myself say ' i am gay.' i dont feel like its a betrayal of any part of me. perhaps, its because i haven't told my mother yet..ha! my friend r thinks that being raised as an african has made me rather subserviant. i like to think of it as being diplomatic. i don't feel the need to insist on my way, however, i do understand what he is saying. the importance to speak one's truth regardless. i identify alot with the women playing the movie because i know first hand the teachings of patriarchy, the subtle nuances of curtailing the spirit, the objectification of the pussy and the utterly loneliness one feels. i dont ever want to go back and be anything but myself. i shudder to think that i may never reside in kenya again. i love the skies and the stars. i love knowing my neighbours and bartering for food. i love that i can clearly and freely speak my mother tongue and wiggle my feet while seating on real grass. i also want to be free. i am claiming my freedom. i am free.
ashe

2006-08-09T16:59:00.000-07:00

Floetry-Say Yes(Studio Version)

2006-08-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

"I've gone through hell with my menopause," said Shelton, an elegant woman who recently swapped her dreadlocks for a close-cropped look while trying to stay cool. "It's kicking me. But
HIV' , I've been very blessed. I don't know why."

2006-07-25T08:23:00.000-07:00

wangechi mutu

2006-06-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

11 Men Carrying a Continent
Don't dismiss Africa

2006-06-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

'mama, the woman is scary!'

so here i am, in target one of those super target places in a rather surburbian neighbourhoods, minding my business, checking out the shoes when a child of 4 years exclaims to his mom, how terrifying i look. at first, i was wondering who this child was talking about. there wasnt't anybody else besides his mom and myself on the aisle. he could be talking about his mom, in a third person sort of way. wasn't he already used to her? the mom, rather embarassed, ordered her child to apologize. he stuck to his guns and continued his merry ways.

i did look scary to the child. the only mohawk he has ever probably seen are on people who look like him, maybe in the malls or on the tv and have theirs dyed those strange colors that turn your eyes haphazadly round and round. who ever heard of brown women spotting a mohawk.

2006-06-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

June 15, 2006
Healing With Hurt
Using Your Pain To Help Others Pain is a fact of being and one that permeates all of our lives to some degree. Since the hurt we feel may be a part of the experiences that have touched us most deeply, we are often loathe to let it go. It is frequently easier to keep our pain at our sides, where it acts as a shield that shelters us from others and gives us an identity-that of victim-from which we can draw bitter strength. However, pain's universality can also empower us to use our hurt to help others heal. Since no pain is any greater or more profound than any other, what you feel can give you the ability to help bring about the recovery of individuals whose hurts are both similar to and vastly different from your own. You can channel your pain into transformative and healing love that aids you in helping individuals on a one-to-one basis and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world. daily om

i have began to breath again. it took planning, rather hesitantly at first, to step out and met my friends whom i haven't seen in five years. i wasn't sure whether our spirits would recognize each other in the midst of such hurt between my friends who once were lovers. i believe though that love soothes the heart.

i loved walking in the streets of san fransisco without a car. staring at the shops in berklee and having so much organic this or the other. how do people afford to eat here though, is my question. i think i'd gotten sterilized in dallas to the drive thrus on each block and the roads populated with suvs and cars with big cap holders.

the little i saw of california felt like a world so different from the one i have been living. its not every day that you come across a lanky, white,dread locked speaking in a jamaican accent man preparing vegetarian food.

i feel deeply in my spirit that the week i spent in california has been a turning point to me. i have mentioned before how much i have wanted to bear a child. its interesting and rather strange that somehow this longing has dissipitated and reformed itself to a strong desire to be the woman i ought to be without the kid or husband to anchor to. & the synchrocity of the universe has been amazing to say the least. i keep meeting women at ross, or in the plane or at work who are single and in their 30s, or 40s or 50s, without children and/or husband and are ok with it.
i want to pay attention to all these. to what the universe implores to my spirit, to what my body is beckoning that i need to listen to and also to the communities that stir passion in me.

2006-06-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

until recently, i have never quite outted myself. of course there were those times stretched out in years passed as i lay staring at the skin of my lover and remarking to myself how safe i felt. there are those times also when cacooned in the safety of women such as myself who weaved dreams of love and colored glass, i'd mention of my attraction to women. i have had displeasure to think this through in the last nine, ten months or so. laying in bed, immobile, frustrated, eyeing the walking stick thrown haphazadly on the floor, staring at the wall. illness have that type of effect. besides myself, and an ex, and the pasty white girl ( as she calls herself ), i don't know of any other queer women. & this is in real time. i havent counted the blogs that i have maintained contact reading, most times in lurking mode. their lives, so different from mine. or is it? i've been hesitant to speak about this because i am afraid. inasmuch as its my blog goddamit! there is that internal self censor...what the fuck i'm i admitting to..and what i feel its the bigger quagmire, now that i say it, what next..with this in mind, i read about this young man and wonder what his life is like. why did his peers decide to gang up on him. did he show some effemate qualities that needed to be squashed?sokari had an interesting post on the lives of gblt activists and i wonder whether now that i intrinsicly know that this is what i want to build my community with, a partnership with a woman, shall i be signing up for this. to be honest, i don't know what the future holds, all i can count on is love, afterall, it is about love, isn't it.

2006-06-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

anyone who had a television and those bulky vcrs in the early 80's or like me, ganged up with all the other kids in the mtaani and hanged out at that rich kids place remembers omen. i can remember how terrified i was of that movie. yani, i didnt even sleep for several months and going upstairs..ahh lets even leave that alone..i dont like horror movies, not that they are scary, i have a very vivid imagination. so even though its been what almost 20 years, im not on crack and not going to watch it.

the omen

2006-04-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

Oglala Sioux Tribe
ATTN: President Fire Thunder
P. O. Box 2070
Pine Ridge, SD 57770

or

ATTN: PRESIDENT FIRE THUNDER
PO BOX 990
Martin, SD 57751

For donations specifically for the Planned Parenthood clinic, make checks out to OST Planned Parenthood Cecelia Fire Thunder. General donations may be made out to the Oglala Sioux Tribe.

Women in America have something that women in other parts of the world don't have. Women in this country don't appreciate their right to free speech. Women in America can be the voice of women around the world. This is a call to arms by women in the United States. ( more )

2006-03-12T17:45:00.000-08:00

test 1/2/3

2006-02-28T17:21:00.000-08:00

just read this from nalo's website. i feel so sad. i've just began reading her book

2006-02-24T10:25:00.000-08:00

i have been one of the women in the show.between the ages of 20-27/28 ish, i had sex with countless men that i've lost count off. with or without protection.some of them i never knew their last names, where they lived and what they liked about themselves. they never knew much about me either. what i liked to eat. whether i liked showers or baths. & what i found most funny on television. in those eight years, i loathed everything about myself. & from this meaningless fucks, i hoped to derive some affection of some sorts. i thought of myself as a raging nymphomania, but the truth of the matter was i didnt think anything wonderful about myself. there was a thrill about the search, i'd met a guy and within a couple of seconds sieze him up as a potiential lover. it was a wham bam thank you, dont call me, i'll call you senario. between the zipless fucks, there were months when i'd be involved with a boyfriend & at those times i would be monogamous and try to be a typical normal person. it's only when things went down hill that id jump back to this old way of doing things. the last seven months have been my trial on fire. that irrespective of the craziness of the last relationship, i haven't gone back to my old life. i dont think its because i've become better. i am a very sexual being with a high libido. i think its more of re-learning impulse control and knowing the things that trigger this. and, looking forward to better things.

2006-02-16T19:31:00.001-08:00

it all began with something new. here i was watching the movie by myself, on a saturday i might add..( so think dim lights, popcorns and snuggling couples) & i had an aha moment. i've systematically thought of eligible man as being black and oh dear, i am ashamed of saying this..africans.. so where has that really lead me..circles of misery, twisted with sounds of vernacular and desire from them for a 'normal' girl who doesn't think too much or love tats as much.. ive ranted about that before.

so anyway, back to my saturday. i drove home thinking of reasons why i shouldn't date or think of one as a potiental baby dady ( because as we all know, thats where my thinking lies nowadays)
a) cannot enjoy the sun with me ( fear of skin cancer )
b) will crease their forehead when i say 'karimu gaka' as i drive
c) will ask what is that called, when im wearing a dress made with african fabric..perhaps a dress?
d) most will wonder where i learnt to speak such 'purfect' english
e) do i come from a village.. which will lead to, is there internet in africa, is it true that africans smell et al

audre lorde once suggested in one of her essays, i forget which, as we fight to dismantle the tools from the masters' house, we should insist of self inventory that the isms that we fight against have not taken root in ourselves.

so the next day, i placed an ad at CL. with pictures of my sweet bald head i might add. And just last weekend, i went for a date with one of the guys and i had a blast!! Oh migod, i kept muttering to myself.. where the hell have i been!!! The guy was amazing. I laughed, smiled, talked, poured a bit of coffee on the table.. ( i was so nervous!!) and i wore pink.. i know.. lol Which lead to the i'd like to hang out with you stage. a friend of mine was having a go away party and i invited the guy. only for my friend to remark that he might not feel comfortable among us ( read kenyans). which means, she didnt want him around.

the guy was livid. he had never according to him ever dealt with discrimination. afterall, he is a WM living in the good us of a. how could he.. i mean, he has never had to deal with overt racism because of being black, subjected to second guess his work because he happens to be women. or even had to contemplate whether it was even feasible to be pregnant because he was so far away from a support system that understood to be successful society, women needed to have at least three months of maternity leave, paid at and could freaking breastfeed any goddamn place they wanted..no, see to the guy, in his world, he was a man living quite comfortably the american dream and never had to deal with the other shit other folks had to deal with.

of course, i was thoroughly embarassed by my friends' limited idea of interaction. after all, she is my friend and i love her dearly, so what does this say about our friendship and about myself? absolutely fucking nothing! i might add. the world is never going to change, unless the folks in it decide that the way it presently is limiting and myopic. i don't expect an acolyptic unearthing and everything is turned to dust to give rise to sensitive, caring human to human interaction. i believe though, that when i change myself, work dillegently and with loving embrace, hold tenderly, the places that make me cringe with pain and shame, this persistant, continiously act, will eventually change the world.

it all does start with something new.

2006-02-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

for seven months now, i've been wrestling with the oh- so briefly pregnancy weight, and its now getting on my nerves. i periodically purge off clothes that i no longer wear to goodwill and before i become pregnant, i had donated some clothes. now, that ive added close to 20 pounds, im rather confused as to where my self/body is leading too. it feels rather insulated, widened hips, full breasts that sort of thing with the ongoing treatment for mysthenia, it just pisses me off to be asked whether i have a child.

i've been giving it much thought about this baby thing, especially about women/couples who so badly want to be mothers but physically cant and how they must truly feel. for many years i didn't think motherhood was something i wanted to delve into & i assumed that when the time was right, it would be simple, uncomplicated, unmessy and much fun. & for the most part, i still think it is without pcos lurking in the background. however, on the flip side, that might not be the case. subsequently then, how do i use this current thought process to deepen the practice of tonglen. how can i move towards a position of merely standing on the fence to embrace the suffering of others who truly want this experience.

2006-02-01T12:53:00.000-08:00

in memory

2006-01-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

i want to be pregnant.

over the years, between post coital bliss and prolonged crashes, between silent moments and tearful regrets. i have opposed the very idea of being with child. i've counted and recounted the days leading to my period with such fevour and diligence. i've laid on a cold metal stretchy thing, legs trembling waiting for the procedure. i've denounced the idea of motherhood as foriegn and unrealistic as a pig jumping over the moon. & not in the distant passed, let the fears of the significant other cloud my decision to be a mom. & so, here i am, with an unbearable emptiness that threatens to cut across my heart and unshed tears, heavy in my spirit and i want so badly to be a mom.

i'm not even so concerned with being partnered with anyone anymore. it isn't as urgent, persistant, pertinent as that of being a bearer of life. i'm tired dear reader, fucking tired of bullshit that i've created and given the power to others to define how i am. i am tired of waking in circles, with no end in sight. i'm tired of being tired and i want it to end. so this is why i've been so silent without much commentary and funfare.

2006-01-16T19:35:00.000-08:00

i've began going to church again.it doesn't surprise me as much,nothing much does owadays. rather, it's comforting and soothing to my spirit to seat among other worshipers, in the midst of our lady statues and burning encloves of candles& incense.

2006-01-14T11:39:00.000-08:00

i spent the most of christmas and the day after watching the two seasons of the l-word. god, i was hooked. i mean there is one thing watching if this walls could talk one and two. eight dvds of conversation, hot sex and cute women, now thats priceless. it bugged me though that there was only one character who was black. whats up with that. and another thing, all the girls were umm skinny. ok, so granted that im rather sensitive about how i look nowadays, but c'mon, really not all lesbians are size 0-6!!

i'm bored about my current blog space and since im not skilled in web design et al. i'm going to stick it out with blogger until some good samaritan can hook me up with some hot design. so, whats been happening with me besides think of cute girls you ask, planning extensively this 30th year of my exsistance. i have one more semister of school and thats it. at least for a year. ive become a wanna be born again gikuyu.

an unreasonable woman

“It is being both black and gay [which is problematic].” Zanele Muholi

“It is being both black and gay [which is problematic].”
Zanele Muholi