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i want to be pregnant.

over the years, between post coital bliss and prolonged crashes, between silent moments and tearful regrets. i have opposed the very idea of being with child. i've counted and recounted the days leading to my period with such fevour and diligence. i've laid on a cold metal stretchy thing, legs trembling waiting for the procedure. i've denounced the idea of motherhood as foriegn and unrealistic as a pig jumping over the moon. & not in the distant passed, let the fears of the significant other cloud my decision to be a mom. & so, here i am, with an unbearable emptiness that threatens to cut across my heart and unshed tears, heavy in my spirit and i want so badly to be a mom.

i'm not even so concerned with being partnered with anyone anymore. it isn't as urgent, persistant, pertinent as that of being a bearer of life. i'm tired dear reader, fucking tired of bullshit that i've created and given the power to others to define how i am. i am tired of waking in circles, with no end in sight. i'm tired of being tired and i want it to end. so this is why i've been so silent without much commentary and funfare.

posted by nehanda at 11:29 AM

7 Comments:

Blogger Shiroh said...

Wish you luck in your endevors, remember to look for a good candidate

6:08 AM  
Blogger Wangari said...

poor babe, (big hug)

i went through a phase where i would have nightmares thinking i was pregnant, but then my periods would show and i would be sooo disappointed / heartbroken that i wasnt...
i am still not sure i can handle bringing up a little one, the craving is there but i have to work a lot on my selfishness before i can say i am ready.

7:53 AM  
Blogger Ms.Maegan said...

Ay mujer. First a big abrazo. It's been a tough year pero all in time. Creo that you are still mourning some other losses cuz trust me...I've been there done that.

The spirit will visit again

8:13 AM  
Blogger R said...

I feel you deeply.

I've a sense that there's a side of my womanhood, the side whose instinct is to nurture, that I haven't experienced fully yet on account of my not having children of my own.

I've been thinking seriously about adopting a child lately... don't know yet where that thought will lead...

9:25 AM  
Blogger moonshadow said...

Just had a miscarriage for Christmas. I did not know, when I was inserting my diaphragm, unrolling condoms, and swallowing pills that pregnant felt good. My belly was lit up like Light Bright. Then the Empty with baby gone. A Wanted Child is blessed out of the gate.

5:32 PM  
Blogger Miss Ahmad said...

I wish you peace and blessing on your endeavor. I think around your age that was my one pressing thought as well, then it subsided. Now I want a family more than a child...but my desire for a family has grown so that it pains me to think I may have to make due without...even for one more year.

Oh to be a woman!

1:17 PM  
Blogger being mama daily said...

my greatest prayer for you is that you remain still until the universe sends the most prefect warm wind your way. Without this, the mommyhood journey can be very cold.

be blessed.

10:40 AM  

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