an unreasonable woman

it all began with something new. here i was watching the movie by myself, on a saturday i might add..( so think dim lights, popcorns and snuggling couples) & i had an aha moment. i've systematically thought of eligible man as being black and oh dear, i am ashamed of saying this..africans.. so where has that really lead me..circles of misery, twisted with sounds of vernacular and desire from them for a 'normal' girl who doesn't think too much or love tats as much.. ive ranted about that before.

so anyway, back to my saturday. i drove home thinking of reasons why i shouldn't date or think of one as a potiental baby dady ( because as we all know, thats where my thinking lies nowadays)
a) cannot enjoy the sun with me ( fear of skin cancer )
b) will crease their forehead when i say 'karimu gaka' as i drive
c) will ask what is that called, when im wearing a dress made with african fabric..perhaps a dress?
d) most will wonder where i learnt to speak such 'purfect' english
e) do i come from a village.. which will lead to, is there internet in africa, is it true that africans smell et al

audre lorde once suggested in one of her essays, i forget which, as we fight to dismantle the tools from the masters' house, we should insist of self inventory that the isms that we fight against have not taken root in ourselves.

so the next day, i placed an ad at CL. with pictures of my sweet bald head i might add. And just last weekend, i went for a date with one of the guys and i had a blast!! Oh migod, i kept muttering to myself.. where the hell have i been!!! The guy was amazing. I laughed, smiled, talked, poured a bit of coffee on the table.. ( i was so nervous!!) and i wore pink.. i know.. lol Which lead to the i'd like to hang out with you stage. a friend of mine was having a go away party and i invited the guy. only for my friend to remark that he might not feel comfortable among us ( read kenyans). which means, she didnt want him around.

the guy was livid. he had never according to him ever dealt with discrimination. afterall, he is a WM living in the good us of a. how could he.. i mean, he has never had to deal with overt racism because of being black, subjected to second guess his work because he happens to be women. or even had to contemplate whether it was even feasible to be pregnant because he was so far away from a support system that understood to be successful society, women needed to have at least three months of maternity leave, paid at and could freaking breastfeed any goddamn place they wanted..no, see to the guy, in his world, he was a man living quite comfortably the american dream and never had to deal with the other shit other folks had to deal with.

of course, i was thoroughly embarassed by my friends' limited idea of interaction. after all, she is my friend and i love her dearly, so what does this say about our friendship and about myself? absolutely fucking nothing! i might add. the world is never going to change, unless the folks in it decide that the way it presently is limiting and myopic. i don't expect an acolyptic unearthing and everything is turned to dust to give rise to sensitive, caring human to human interaction. i believe though, that when i change myself, work dillegently and with loving embrace, hold tenderly, the places that make me cringe with pain and shame, this persistant, continiously act, will eventually change the world.

it all does start with something new.

posted by nehanda at 7:31 PM