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until recently, i have never quite outted myself. of course there were those times stretched out in years passed as i lay staring at the skin of my lover and remarking to myself how safe i felt. there are those times also when cacooned in the safety of women such as myself who weaved dreams of love and colored glass, i'd mention of my attraction to women. i have had displeasure to think this through in the last nine, ten months or so. laying in bed, immobile, frustrated, eyeing the walking stick thrown haphazadly on the floor, staring at the wall. illness have that type of effect. besides myself, and an ex, and the pasty white girl ( as she calls herself ), i don't know of any other queer women. & this is in real time. i havent counted the blogs that i have maintained contact reading, most times in lurking mode. their lives, so different from mine. or is it? i've been hesitant to speak about this because i am afraid. inasmuch as its my blog goddamit! there is that internal self censor...what the fuck i'm i admitting to..and what i feel its the bigger quagmire, now that i say it, what next..with this in mind, i read about this young man and wonder what his life is like. why did his peers decide to gang up on him. did he show some effemate qualities that needed to be squashed?sokari had an interesting post on the lives of gblt activists and i wonder whether now that i intrinsicly know that this is what i want to build my community with, a partnership with a woman, shall i be signing up for this. to be honest, i don't know what the future holds, all i can count on is love, afterall, it is about love, isn't it.

posted by nehanda at 10:49 PM

3 Comments:

Blogger sokari said...

You are very brave - I completely empathsise with you and what [I think] you are saying. Yes it is about love but as I wrote in a recent post on cancer and surviving "Keep the anger, keep the tears, keep being stubborn, keep fighting and keep loving - I think that is the answer to surviving"

It aint easy that is for sure!

4:46 AM  
Blogger Dale said...

It's only about love, ever. And beauty, which is another way of saying the same thing.

Lovely post. How could anyone help loving women? I always wonder that.

4:10 PM  
Blogger sokari said...

Hi, I have set up an African Women's Reblog at:

http://www.africanwomenblogs.com/africanwomen.html

Myself and Mshairi are hoping to develop the REblog into a space for African women - we are not sure what yet but would appreciate it if you would have a look through the reblog and add a link to it on your blog.

many thanks

5:20 PM  

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